I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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