I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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