I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
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