at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
