She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
