The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
