Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
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