This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
