Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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