New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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