Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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