Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
