my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
