Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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