I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
