Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
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