I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
