Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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