How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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