So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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