im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
