There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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