Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
