Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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