Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
