Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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