96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
