I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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