why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
