Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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