he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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