My liver just broke up with me...
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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