My liver just broke up with me...
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
