I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
