DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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