New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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