There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
