My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
