I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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