I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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