Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
