I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
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