Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
