he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
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Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
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I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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