I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
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