We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
