Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
