omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
