If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
