Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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