I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
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