dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
