did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Randomize
