Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Randomize
