She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
